


Alone Again

by Susspencer



Series: my 2017 angst collection [1]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Loneliness, M/M, Season/Series 12 Spoilers, dark for me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-15 02:52:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9215519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Susspencer/pseuds/Susspencer
Summary: Was I supposed to be alone?  My head and brain feel kind of foggy.We would grow old together.  Somewhere, I started to think, we would never die.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I need to apologize to my regular fluff followers. The angst monster hit me and I wrote this. 
> 
> It is terribly DARK for me. I know that I normally do not write like this, but Mr. Muse apparently says I do today.
> 
> I wanted to make sure to warn everyone. Because when I am bawling as I write it, and my depression that I suffer from says dang cool you go woman. Then I feel there needs to be a major warning label. 
> 
> Love you all, and especially never want to Spencer and Aaron suffer. Enjoy with a tissue or two.

We all have our plans for how it ends. We pick a number, usually that magical number is 65 years old. Our friends throw us a retirement party. There is cake, gifts, tears, drinks, hell back in the old days you got a gold watch and pat on the back from the big boss himself. He would thank you for all your years of dedication, service, diligence and tell you how much you would be missed. The party always had a happy side of bittersweet to it, because you are loved by your co-workers. Promises to visit, do things, see each other’s kids, and maybe you do once or twice, but it all fades and ends. After all they were just co-workers, not really family or good friends who stick by you through thick and thin. So, you just go on with retirement, whatever that plan was for you.

Snort. I run a hand under my nose as I sit here looking out, alone. Was I supposed to be alone? My head and brain feel kind of foggy. It is kinda hard to think. It really goes back to that age old question, is it all fate, destiny, pre-designed? Or do we have control over what happens to us in this life? I can quote philosophers, psychologists, theologians, the writings of Buddha, or the Dalai Lama, or hundreds of others. In the end, does it matter? Instead of me on the bench in the cemetery, it is someone, maybe you, maybe your loved one. But someone is sitting here, they’re missing you. Drying the tears, I stand. I say that I will be back, but the reality is I won’t. 

Everyone of the scenarios, didn’t matter how many variables, no matter the random happenstances, they yielded the same results. Me here, you gone. All the data recorded, analyzed, processed, reviewed, we plowed ahead anyway. We were going to be the exception anyway. We were superheroes, that is what Jack called us. The rules, theorems, formulas wouldn’t apply to us. Invincible crusaders for the right, ridding the world of evildoers. Protecting those that would come to harm, rescuing those in danger, and bringing justice to criminals, while we brought love into each others' lonely, hopeless lives. Sigh, sniff, god I sound like a foolish, dreamer, not the scientist that I have always claimed to be. Damn you! Aaron Hotchner, you made me believe in love and magic. I knew it was slight of hand. I practiced it before I met you. Excelling at it myself, I could fool so many. Watch here, while what was really happening was over here. 

I can’t even remember the good right now. The pain is so fresh. Or was it all pain? I remember lies about Prentiss being dead, then you had to go away to the desert, then Mr. Scratch and you pulled away again. Witsec, and I was alone for so long. I had to deal with mom on my own. You weren’t here to hold me, support me, tell me it would be okay. Then when you could come back, well you couldn’t really. I had to give up my life for you. Once again, it wasn’t even a question. Boom, I was there. Your kisses, your embrace, your love. The way you made me feel so special, never weird, never awkward. Human for a time, something that I never had as a child or with anyone other than you. You were the master of illusion, because I believed it would last forever. We would grow old together. Somewhere, I started to think, we would never die. That was just another lie wasn’t it? Were you ever going to let me know, that I was going to alone again. A place I never wanted to be, in the first place. Alone taking care of my mother, alone at college at 12 years old, alone thinking my friend was dead, alone as my mother lost her mind, alone, alone, alone.  
Walking to the car, climbing in, wondering what to even do now, I have no plans. I gave it all up for you. I am 65 years old, widowed, alone again, naturally.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [In the Wind](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9239396) by [wednesdays__child](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wednesdays__child/pseuds/wednesdays__child)




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